Thursday, 13 February 2014

Hangovers and self loathing

It's Monday morning and I can't believe how horrific I feel after accidentally getting drunk on Saturday.  My boyfriend and I popped out very briefly to do a spot of shopping only to be ambushed by a violent blast of hail stones. We popped into the nearest Slug and Lettuce for cover....where they happened to be promoting 2-4-1 cocktails.  I even tweeted how shopping had turned into cocktails all jokingly and happy.  Over the years I've ticked various different alcohols off my list as ones to never drink again... Anyway Prosecco is still very much on my list as a go-to.  Kir Royale after Kir Royale and many more Kir Royales later... I'm completely obliterated and have stupidly forgotten to eat anything.  

I progressively become more wonky and more shouty.  I get more badly behaved, which can be either really unpleasant or really entertaining, and no doubt anyone who sees drunk Kat will assume that I actually enjoy acting like such a div in public.  I suffer hugely in many ways when I drink.

The hangovers that I never used to experience have made themselves present with a vengeance, making up for those early years of self abuse, doubling and tripling the pain.  For a good couple of days after the binge I become an angry, tearful, self-loathing, involuntarily bulimic, brain tumour pain, bipolar sufferer who can't have the lights switched on or get out of bed, except to violently throw up.  

I also have to face the fear.  

Misery and memories I'd rather forget, a spiral of guilt, regret and embarrassment whirs around inside me. My vision is blurry and I'm sweaty and unhappy.  The flat is a mess and I've not only wasted my weekend but the first part of the week too.  The gloomy depressed me, who is never that far away at any given time, has been fed ammunition and is unleashed yet again.  I make a dramatic phone call to my boyfriend telling him that I am ready to die so I can't feel the pain or humiliation any more.  He turns up with a rescue package of food, fruit smoothie, pain killers, love and foot squeezing and helps to talk me down from my tower of hate and self-loathing.

I've tried very hard to become a member of the adult society where I am in control of myself, my actions and what I chose to consume but occasionally I get caught out and the hell-raiser inside of me raises her boisterous head once and again, pulling the rug from under my feet before I even realise what's happening.

I have gone from a full time drinker to a part time drinker to hardly drinks at all. Sometimes it is a bit fun to get drunk, however its the tipsy bit before that I find buzzy and exciting.  But I can rarely end there.

Why is it so easy and delicious to get drunk?


Wednesday, 12 February 2014

Valentines Day



Why I love my boyfriend:


  • He saves me from spiders and other monsters
  • He puts up with my shit
  • He's all nice and handsome
  • He's tall which is good for getting up-high stuff
  • His hair is the same colour as a Golden Retriever puppy
  • We make up our own jokes, even though they make no sense to anyone else
  • He drags me around the flat on the bath mat when I'm drunk and incapable of walking or supporting myself (this has happened twice)
  • He gave all his Kinder egg cars to Matilda (apart from the Porshe because he really likes that one)
  • He looks after me when I'm sick
  • He protects me when I'm being attacked by sadness
  • He squeezes my feet
  • He has super-hero survivor instincts
  • He instinctively knows how to do all DIY
  • He cares about the squirrels
  • He still likes me even when I hate myself
  • He loves me all the time - and I've never met anybody who loved me unconditionally before




Tuesday, 4 February 2014

Project sausage dog puppy


My niece gave me a drinks coaster with an animated sausage dog on it for Christmas.  For my birthday a few months before she gave me a mug with the the words 'Giddy Aunt'... this tells me a few things.  She knows I like sausage dogs, she realises that I'm giddy, she knows I like drinking - hence the mug and the coaster and I'm talking coffee and other drinking. 

Now I don't think that she bought them herself because she has just turned two and of course two year olds don't have their own money, they are also pretty small to reach the shop counter and pay for the items anyway.  Plus I have a sneaky suspicion the writing on the gifts was my brother's hand writing. Although I do like to think that she is pretty clued up for a two year old. 

This wouldn't be the first time I've been bought a gift featuring a dachshund...and now FINALLY I am getting closer to getting my first real miniature sausage dog.  Next month I move into a new, pet friendly flat and this is when project puppy really begins.  It's about flippin' time.  I've grown up with dogs as the household pet and have always wanted my own.  Weiner dogs being my favourite, ever since Victor Meldrew accidentally picked one up and 'answered' it instead of picking up his portable house phone, shown here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0tiNwOpZ68

I'm exciting about the little adventure we will have together.  So this news has really made my year - that and the fact my mum sent me an email the other day with an 'OMG' in it.  Bless her!

Friday, 31 January 2014

Procrastination

Boy is it easy to waste time or what.  I've spent the morning flitting from one tab on my laptop to another interjecting now and again with little bouts of walking around the flat.  Pointless, get-up-and-walk-around-for-no-reason, before I sit down and get on with wasting more time.  Funny how I get those little spurts of energy to get up and do no good thing, instead of sitting and getting on with my work. Needless to say I haven't done any work yet!

I spend so much time wasting time that when everyone else is on their way home I begin to get some actual what-I-get-paid-to-do work done!  I'm finding myself increasingly easily distracted either with the squirrels that have been trained to come to the back window for feeding or by reading a whole bunch of news articles and other blogs because I'm telling myself this helps with my 'creativity'.  I guess watching Real Housewives of Orange County must be helping my creativity as well...ahem *cough *cough.  I also find myself going over to check what's in the fridge, even though I definitely know what's over there in that there fridge because I had a look fifteen minutes ago.  Suddenly I feel the need to start cleaning the grout in the bathroom tiles and taking the recycling out to the bins.  Hmm and I bet if my actual job was to clean the grout in the bathroom tiles or take out the flippin' recycling, guess what I'd be doing instead?  Yes, getting on with the websitey stuff I'm supposed to be doing in the first place.

At least the weekend is within licking distance :)

Friday, 24 January 2014

Why aren't you on Facebook?

My boyfriend's mum is obsessed with Facebook. She is constantly checking her iPhone for updates and posting pictures of her cats in various different sitting positions around the house.  Like anyone with an obsession she doesn't understand why everyone else doesn't feel exactly the same way she does. 

She also loves cats, which I do not. 

So anyway, my boyfriend's mum found out that I do in fact have a Facebook account.  

It is a private account which I set up to keep in touch with a couple of old friends I hardly ever see and to connect with my fellow drama students to discuss coursework and the like.  Also, I signed up in case I would ever have to use Facebook in an employment situation (I don't want to look stupid at work do I)

Bf's mum didn't find me by looking me up, she found out because she heard me telling her daughter, my friend, about it. And, as is her habit to repeatedly ask the same questions as if it was the first time ever mentioned, she asked me TWICE that evening 'so did you say you ARE on Facebook?'  You see for a long time I wasn't and she knew that.  And she would ask (repeatedly) 'oooh why aren't you on Facebook Kat?' desperately wanting to be Facebook friends with everyone she knows.  So when I did eventually get on Facebook, for the reasons mentioned above, I continued to let her believe I still was NOT on Facebook.  Even when we changed the subject that evening I could tell from her face that she was still thinking about the Facebook conversation.

After a family debate about whether rabbits should be allowed to drive cars or something similar bf's mum couldn't hold it in any longer and finally said to me 'so are you saying that I can't find you if I looked you up?' 

I replied 'No. It's a private account, no one can find me and I hardly ever use it so there would be no point anyway' and that's the story I'm sticking with.  And no doubt about it she will ask me again.

I feel the two of us speak separate alien languages. Trying to explain our points to one another and trying to listen and understand but without the message really getting through, ending with both parties just grinning at each other thinking 'what the fucks wrong with you?'

My original feelings about not joining Facebook was the knowing that I'd be looking up people, who otherwise should be banished from my life, at four in the morning after a few too many cocktails.  I'm not saying everyone on FB does this (they do!) I just know that I definitely would.  The other reason is that the people who should otherwise be banished from my life could do the exact same thing to me. I have already experienced this with such people contacting my brother and close friends via FB asking for my number and so forth etc.

There's no need to keep asking me why I don't use Facebook (or do I like cats yet.)  People are allowed to be different to one another and have their own preferences - otherwise what would be the point of living.  

Some people, like bf's mum, think that if they keep on about something then the other person will eventually crack and give in just to keep them quiet about it.  

But I'm the opposite.  The more someone gets on at me about something I don't want to do the more I dig my heels in.  I don't just give in and say 'oh go on then' to shut you up.  I will keep saying no until you get bored of asking.

So I have concluded to block bf's mum before she even tries to find me on Facebook.  

Thanks for listening x

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Giving up smoking


In the future people will say 'I remember smoking'... it'll be one of those passing phrases like 'I remember floppy discs'. Smoking will become an old fashioned, passée activity. A dying trend and not in the cool retro sense like victory rolls or knitting. The smell will be associated with 'old people' the same way some might say moth balls or lavender is. Kids will associate smoking with something their grandparents do and for that very reason will be a reason to not do it. 

I remember feeling outraged when the smoking ban was announced in the UK. This felt like a personal attack on me and my choice of bars and clubs I frequently visited. Having grown in a society where smoking was perfectly acceptable, and extremely common amongst everyone I knew, the thought of not being allowed to smoke indoors was like being told we were not allowed to talk indoors. Endless drunken debates with my friends (and anyone who I would make listen to me) ensued as to why should we stop smoking in public places. As much as I talked about it I was still in some kind of denial about it and believed that something would happen to turn it around again - a bit like the disbelief that Michael Jackson would perform 100 concerts but not knowing why it wouldn't happen, and then he died. 


There was many a debate within my social group. I was head speaker. My opinion was that it would be as fair to introduce a law which meant everyone must smoke - then there is no reason to ban it due to poor passive smokers working in bars and restaurants, who incidentally, had CHOSEN to work there in the first place! And why stop there, smoking could even be taught in schools so everyone knew what to do. That seemed just as fair as introducing a ban. So fast forward a few years and ask my ex-smoking self about the smoking ban! 


The smoking ban is one of the best legislation ever passed in this country. I gave up smoking nearly two years ago. I always knew that I wanted to give up before my thirty fifth birthday for two main reasons. One, I didn't want to develop the smoking lines that my mum had - even though she had stopped smoking about ten years before they appeared, and two, I was always told that the contraceptive pill I was taking couldn't be prescribed to a smoker thirty five or over due to possible links to heart disease. It seemed such a long time since I was given this information but wow how that land mark birthday soon came around! It is actually coincidence that I gave up just before that age. My boyfriend had given up and I was getting tired of the social setting I was in and everything associated with it. I made the decision to stop, realising I wasn't enjoying it anymore, and that was pretty much that, maybe the odd puff here and there when I was drinking in the those first few months but I was soon completely free. 


And what a turn around. 

To even see someone smoking brings up a nauseous feeling in my gut which then travels up to land in my throat. I can feel my throat tightening and I experience flash backs to the dry flaky lips and dehydrated face after a night of heavy smoking. The inside of my head felt dehydrated. Even smoking without drinking could easily give me a hangover the following day. 

And don't talk to me about the smell. Urgh! My nostril hairs are screaming in agony just writing about it! The thick, strong odour of poisonous fumes that surge up the nose and attack my senses. I swear it didn't smell like that when I was a smoker. It's become an odorous cocktail of chemical, manure and hot tarmac. It is so thick and engulfing the smell and the fumes compare to nothing else - perhaps maybe a nuclear plant blowing up. I never could've predicted I would feel like this once I had given up - if I didn't know better I would think that someone had used hypnosis using all those nasty associations to replace any craving I might have ever had. 

There are no more phlegmy coughs or smelly hair or stained fingers. Air is fresh and it is a pleasure to breath it. If I'm stuck behind a smoker as I'm walking somewhere my natural reaction is to cover my mouth and nose and quickly over take them. The sickness I am feeling in my stomach as I write this speaks for itself.  


Somebody gave me an electronic cigarette in those early days but I soon weaned myself off of that.  It was the taste and the drying of the throat which put me off...and it wasn't even as strong as a real cigarette so it just made sense to completely quit.  


Haha, I win; smoking, you lose!  Now I will never look back. 


Friday, 17 January 2014

Why can't my subconscious tap into the happy the same way it can tap into the sad

I've had loads of great experiences and had LOTS of fun over the years so why, sometimes, is it easier to feel sad for no reason than it is to be happy for no reason?


I remember feeling so so utterly sad that to move from the sofa required so much effort I felt I should make a phone call to get some help.  Heavy pushing down on me, and so I just stay there. Why doesn't my subconscious tap into the happy as quickly as it does the sad?  Lying on the sofa unable to even move my head.  Not wanting to eat but knowing that not eating is making me weaker.  I need to fight being weak if I'm even going to begin to feel un-sad.  

There is a perfume on my jumper that I had sprayed the other day.  But you know how everything smells different when you're sad. This day it has a different meaning.  This day it is a left over residue of the other day.  The other day I was dressing and readying myself to go out - to leave the house.  It seems like such a long time ago in comparison.  If only I could make it over the kitchen to make some food, that would be a start in my recovery.  If I eat something and pretend I'm ok will that bring on the happy.  Can I disguise it and dress it up - somehow trick myself that everything is ok?


I try and will myself out of my pit of sadness but I just lie on the sofa hating everything too much to get up.  Going over to the kitchen is still too much effort no matter how much I tell myself it will help me get better - the first steps in curing my bout of the sads.  

Going outside is completely off limits - the mere mention of it is crazy talk.  There is no reason known to man why on earth I should ever have to leave this house.  Or this sofa for that matter. I will live my life right here marooned in the sitting room.  Oh I do have driving lesson though - I can't really do that in the living room can I.  Hmm I might have to buy some food at some point.  No I don't need any of it.  I'll stay here and wallow in shame and self pity - much better than leaving the house to attempt to live.  So I'll just stay here and cry. 

Hopeless little me in this big wide world.

Monday, 13 January 2014

I've fallen in love with Estee Lauder's Advanced Night Repair

In recent months a family member seems to have become a little on the obsessed side about my skin.  I say obsessed because the topic of my skin comes up almost every time I see her.  Questions will go something like this: 
'do you use a face scrub?' - 'sometimes'
'how often do you use your (derma) roller?' - 'when I remember to'
'have you used it lately?' - 'no, it's blunt so I need to get a new one'  
'when was the last time you used it?' - 'can't remember, it's blunt I need to get a new one'  
'what cleanser do you use?'  'I don't I just use something to remove the last traces of makeup'
'oh a toner?' - 'No, more like the kind of thing teenagers use to prevent spots'
'an astringent?'  'I guess that's what it is yea'
'what moisturiser do you use?' - 'It depends, I use various and at the mo I'm using a vitamin E cream from Superdrug, but sometimes I use L'oreal or Garnier'

Repeat all questions again next time we meet and also point at my face to new people I haven't met before and say - ooh she DOES have good skin.  

You see I wouldn't say that the 'quality' of my skin warrants so many questions - I've literally been interviewed about my skin.  You know when someone seems to be over complimenting you, you begin to wonder what they're up to and if your mind works in suspicious ways like mine does then you might even start to get a little paranoid. Although she lies about her age my guess is that she is about thirty years older than me - maybe this has something to do with her new found infatuation with my face.

I have the kind of face/skin that shouldn't be let loose in public without cosmetic aid (I do sometimes venture out bare faced - and I try to disguise my appearance, pull a hat down over my face, scurry around as quickly as a squirrel on speed so as not to be seen - literally - because I'm moving so fast - I don't want to be accused of trying to scare any local children.)  My skin is naturally anaemic pale with grey under the eyes. I'm Night of the Living Dead in girl shape, unless I've been on holiday and out of the English weather. Then I'm tanned and freckled and an absolute delight to look at.  If I've ever wanted to pull a sicky at work all I have to do is turn up to the office without make up on and I'll be told to go home at once and not return until I'm better.  My cosmetic staples to ensure I'm an acceptable member of the land of living are: concealer to hide the grey, blush to brighten my complexion and mascara to define my eyes.  Occasionally I'll use a highlighter on the cheekbones and under my eye brows and black liquid eye liner if I really want to impress!  I don't like foundations or tinted moisturisers and my makeup stays pretty natural much of the time.  So, as someone who has never considered themselves as having good skin I was surprised to be asked what skin care regime I use and told what great skin I have.  Pale, but not interesting.

I was feeling like 'thanks for the compliment but enough all ready' and beginning to think the lady in question could suffer with memory issues which would explain the repeated interrogations.  But there have been compliments from other sources too so I decided to have a good look at myself, wondering what all the fuss is about.  And you know what I DO have good skin!  And you know something else, there is a product I've been using the last few months that I completely forget about during said interrogations.

Estee Lauder's Advanced Night Repair Synchronized Recovery Complex II

The Advanced Night Repair eye cream is where it all started for me when I was given a free 6m pot sample with the purchase of an Estee Lauder smudge proof mascara.  Ask the lady at the Estee Lauder counter in Boots - as I'm sure this is a running offer with the smudge proof mascara.  I wouldn't have looked at this product twice if it hadn't been given to me as a free sample. However I began to use it that evening and have used it ever since. The skin around my eyes feels much smoother, it even feels thicker (maybe plumper is the right word?) and my eye lashes also feel conditioned.  It is luxurious.  Apply with the ring finger as this is the right amount of application pressure for the delicate eye area. I don't really have any lines around my eyes apart from really fine ones when I smile which now seem almost invisible.

Impressed with the eye cream, which is actually called (but too long to keep writing) Advanced Night Repair Synchronized Eye Recover Complex, I decided I would splash out on the Night Repair serum for the face.  Since using the product the texture of my skin has improved, looking and feeling smoother and softer. The overall tone of my skin is better too.  The best that it has been since forever - it looks like I'm wearing a primer even when I am not - for this reason Advanced Night Repair is going to be a part of my life forever.

It costs £48 for 30 ml and so far the bottle has lasted aprox three months with still some left to go.  It is a little hefty on the price tag for what I would normally consider spending but so far I'm impressed and it's cheaper than 'preventative botox' (apparently the jury is out as to whether preventative botox even works) 

If you read any of my other posts you'll see I'm trying really hard to better my little self.  I've stopped smoking and (almost) stopped drinking.  I don't stay up being rotten all night and I don't hang out with reprobates anymore. Maybe that is why my skin has improved.  Or it could be genetics. But there has been a recent improvement to my skin and Estee Lauder could be the reason.  Either way I am impressed with the product so far and will continue to use this 'insurance in a bottle' :)

You can always ask for samples at the beauty counters to try it before you buy.

Please feel free to leave comments or ask me questions.

Thanks squirrels x






Tuesday, 7 January 2014

Help me get to sleep


Sleep is a luxury and under appreciated by you normal sleepers out there.  I've been a bad sleeper for as long as I can remember, a light sleeper, a self-diagnosed mild insomniac, and lack of sleep causes me many problems. Absolutely anything can keep me awake, or wake me up. Bad thoughts are the main culprit invading my brain in the deepest of night when everyone else is snoring their lucky heads off.  Dark thick clouds of badness invade and destroy, a thousand thoughts whirr through my mind at the speed of light, re-living arguments from (literally) years ago, depressing scenes from the news, worries about work, stressing over (imaginary) situations, stressing about (potential) situations (that don't even happen in the end). And why does knowing the time make it worse?  Whether it's two or five in the morning I suddenly seem to be counting down every minute until I am suppose to be getting up for a spritely day ahead.

I try to empty my head of all thoughts. I've tried meditating - I imagine I'm floating in the ocean with nothing but light blue sky above and a scattering of clouds. I can hear the sounds of the waves but then the water turns dark and it turns into a storm, some sharks appear.  I can't control the meditation and then I get angry about it so something else I'm presently angry about pops in and takes over and argghghhh it's never ending. 

Almost anything can wake me up too.  A noise from outside maybe. A light being switched on whether it be the click of the switch or the light in the room, or coming into the room from elsewhere - I'm so sensitive to it it will wake me in no time.  Are my eyelids super fine and thinner than anyone elses?  As you can imagine due to this condition sleep is a proper treat for me.  Something so many take for granted like breathing or eating. I love it.  I love it the way some people love cooking (I hate cooking) I love it the way some people love their kids (oh ok maybe people love their kids more) but you see where I'm going.  This vital element in life is tricky for some of us to get right!  The body repairs and rejuvenates itself while we sleep - that's why it feels so scrumptious.  I love a big cosy bed and squishing my face into the pillow but if the big bad NO that is insomnia comes knocking then I know I'm not going to enjoy the night.

I've been to the doctor and on occasion have been described a measly ten sedatives - that's never going to be enough. Here in the UK you sign up to one doctor at a time and when you run out of tablets if you want more you have to go and explain yourself.  If I lived in the US I'd be one of those who go on a doctor tour. Taking every prescription that I could possibly get into my grubby little mits.  It isn't just the basic need of sleep that I'm missing - sleeping shuts out all those nasty thoughts that I create.  I'd much rather be dreaming than reminiscing all the badness that's ever happened - most of which gets SO mentally blown out of proportion at that lonely time of night.  Then the next day there is tiredness, irritability and lack of clarity.  A good nights sleep makes Kat's world an entirely different place.

I've taken to buying sleeping tablets online.  My doctor, all doctors, will never prescribe me enough, because they are addictive, but I don't take them for any other reason than to sleep, however enjoyable that fuzziness is the next morning. If anyone I know goes abroad I put my order in. 


Tablets seemingly floating above a shaggy rug
Herbal remedies and sleeping aids bought in English stores are never hardcore enough.  I'm not condoning/suggesting/advocating buying any kind of tablets online.  Obv there is the risk of buying something that isn't quite what you think it is.  You can get ripped off.  You could get your credit card details compromised.  I do spend a lot of time researching sites before I take the plunge but even then there is a feeling in the pit of my gut that says uh-oh.

I've tried to go chemical free over the last few nights but I find myself still wide awake and end up taking something at gone two in the morning meaning I'm sleeping in later the following day and feeling groggy if I rise any earlier than I am ready to.

I wear sexy neon green earplugs to bed to shut out noise. I've cut down my caffeine intake considerably and try not to eat too late - undigested food in the gut is for sure going to contribute to a rubbish night sleep.  My alcohol consumption has all but stopped because I behave so badly when I'm drinking but also sleeping on alcohol is urgh.  I don't read or watch the news as it depresses me.  There is no TV in my bedroom.  I hadn't considered lowering my sugar intake until I read an article by Sarah Wilson about how and why she eliminated sugar from her diet, but this is something worth looking into. Although could be difficult as sugar is everywhere!  I will try and get up as early in the morning as I can and go to bed as late as I can get away with and avoid the temptation to nap in between.  I will take a little light exercise a couple of hours before bed - treadmill and wii fit stretching exercises.  Get myself as tired and relaxed as possible before bed time.  The cycle of no sleep and tiredness will eventually catch up full circle owing me at least one whole nights worth of proper, unaided sleep. 

Anyone else who has this issue will understand what a curse this is.  How tempting and delicious it is to take tablets every night but surely this isn't good?  I'm way too frightened to look up the long term effects of using sedatives long term but I can imagine the answer isn't a pretty one.  

Can anyone tell me what they do to help them sleep?

Thanks, big love as always xx




Monday, 30 December 2013

2014 will be my year

The other day someone much younger than me told me she thought we were the same age 'resuuuult!' well I have no idea how I've managed that after the awfulness I've put myself; my mind; my body; my skin through over the years - those years being my late teens and entire twenties.  In fact even during my early teens, before toxins and poisons crashed into my life, I was under nourished as I completely disregarded food as a necessity.  And not in an eating disorder way but because my body just didn't even contemplate an appetite.  A crap first boyfriend (not my 'first love' but my 'first hate') messed with my head which continued to have a knock-on effect for many years after we split up (blah-dy blah blah won't waste my breath - or typing energy on this one any further... too many weirdos in the world).  Some of the most important years of my life with regards to modelling my future and developing a healthy personality were ruined by outside factors.  I wish I had been strong enough to deal with it at the time.  But whatever.  I wasn't and I'm dealing with it now instead.

This is going to sound clichéd but I'm going to say it because it's what I believe and I can't think of a better way to put it:  We can't control what happens to us but we can be responsible for ourselves and bodies and turn things around.  It's daunting and it's hard and it can take some time even to build up the courage to do something but it is possible.  And I'm doing it now.  It has taken a bloody long time as I had to admit what was wrong and what was no longer acceptable to myself before I could make any changes. But. I've done well to eliminate the crap out of my personal space - this consists of toxic and draining people, especially those who were not even my friends (but yes some 'friends' had to go as well), cigarettes, booze; enter any other party amo here, public (supposedly social) places with which I have completely lost interest in, a succession of jobs that left me deflated and unmotivated.  I've even replaced coffee with green tea - now that is impressive.

2014 is going to be the year I really get healthy.  I've begun already but I'm going to really re-enforce the good stuff.

I have an addictive personality and my new addiction is the Tracy Anderson Method for Beginners dvd. And I'm getting quite smug at how toned I'm becoming as a result of this new found saviour. Reasons why I like it: it's easy to follow and is challenging without being too difficult.  It is also fun and I haven't lost interest in it like I have other dvds or fitness methods.  Plus I can do it at home instead of talking myself out of walking down to the local gym because it's raining outside.

I like walking A LOT as well as the toning and aerobic exercises on the dvd and everyone knows how exercise can help alleviate depression so I'm also mending my mind as well as it being an investment for my future body.  Even though stomach crunches burn like being slathered in Deep Heat.

I will also religiously scrub at my cellulite daily and coat myself with the many creams and lotions that I got; that I always get; as Christmas presents.

I'm growing out my hair after years of bleaching - thank goodness the ombre trend is still going.  At the moment I'm two inches of mousey brown roots and hay-coloured-hay-textured hair.  I won't get it cut either so it will actually GROW.  Root touch ups every six to eight weeks is too much effort and too much money. And this way I'll replace what I've got with something much healthier.  Then I can bleach it all over again - ha!

I'm going to be more experimental with make up.  I got eight lip glosses for Christmas and I never even wear lip gloss. Eight!  I do like the glossy eye trend at the moment so I've decided I'll put these glosses to good use by smearing them over my eye lids instead.  

So far I've managed to pull it off!  Can't say I won't slip on occasion - like I said I've got an addictive personality and love a good temptation... but I'm better than I've ever been and thats something I'm damn proud of.  I'd rather be like an ageing Gwyneth Paltrow than an ageing Courtney Love (although it was undoubtedly more fun being Love during the party years)

And my new motto for 2014 will be DON'T LET THE BASTARDS GET YOU DOWN.

Comments please.

Bug hug xxx